I just witnessed a commercial for Slim Jims new “Dare” sticks. While funny I thought I could improve upon the humor by being a bit more literal. The new slogan, as the article title has spoiled, is: “Made from Stuff Guys Need”. The website goes on to say “Like meat and fire”. “Like Meat” is the key word, and I’ve decide to share with all of you what exactly your ingesting. Let me preamble by stating I am an on again off again pescatarian so I very rarely eat things like slim jims, but I won’t deny that I ever have. So here’s the facts: (Stolen and commented on by me from a Wired article ((not written by me)) because in all honesty I didn’t feel like paraphrasing and I’m too poor to care if anyone sues me.)
Beef
It’s real meat, all right. But it ain’t Kobe. The US Department of Agriculture categorizes beef into eight grades of quality. The bottom three—utility, cutter, and canner—are typically used in processed foods and come from older steers with partially ossified vertebrae, tougher tissue, and generally less reason to live. <Hof Comment: That is fucking gross> ConAgra wasn’t exactly forthcoming on what’s inside Slim Jim.Mechanically separated chicken
Did you imagine a conveyor belt carrying live chickens into a giant machine, set to the classic cartoon theme “Powerhouse”? You’re right! Well, maybe not about the music. Poultry scraps are pressed mechanically through a sieve that extrudes the meat as a bright pink paste and leaves the bones behind (most of the time). <Hof Comment: Who the hell doesn’t like chicken paste? Matter of fact why aren’t they releasing it in tubes and calling slim chicks?>Corn and wheat proteins
Slim Jim is made by ConAgra, and if there are two things ConAgra has a lot of, it’s corn and wheat.Lactic acid starter culture
Although ConAgra refers to Slim Jim as a meat stick (yum), it has a lot in common with old-fashioned fermented sausages like salami and pepperoni. They all use bacteria and sugar to produce lactic acid, which lowers the pH of the sausage to around 5.0, firming up the meat and hopefully killing all harmful bacteria.Dextrose
Serves as food for the lactic acid starter culture. <Hof Comment: Boring stuff>Salt
Salt binds the water molecules in meat, leaving little H2O available for microbial activity—and thereby preventing spoilage. One Slim Jim gives you more than one-sixth of the sodium your body needs in a day.Sodium nitrite
Cosmetically, this is added to sausage because it combines with myoglobin in animal muscle to keep it from turning gray. Antibiotically, it inhibits botulism. Toxicologically, 6 grams of the stuff—roughly the equivalent of 1,400 Slim Jims—can kill you. <Hof Comment: You would die long before your 1400th slim Jim, if only because the Your Fucking Stupid Fairy came to your house and beat you to death using pillow case of healthy food>Hydrolyzed soy
Hydrolysis, in this instance, breaks larger soy protein molecules into their constituent amino acids, such as glutamic acid. Typically, the process also results in glutamic acid salt—also known as monosodium glutamate, a familiar flavor enhancer.
So apparently what guys need is chemicals, salt, low grade shitty meat, and chicken paste. I’m reminded of a poem from childhood.
What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails
And puppy-dogs’ tails,
That’s what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And everything nice,
That’s what little girls are made of.
Now my Twist
What are Slim Jims Made of?
What are Slim Jims Made of?
Chemicals and Paste,
And Meat with no Taste
That what slim Jim are made of.
Well at least they left out the puppy dog tails, snails, and frogs…
BTW: Slim Jim was invented in Philadelphia in the early 1900s by a guy named Adolph. Further proof it only takes one fuehrer to ruin a perfectly nice German name and the Charlie Chaplin mustache.
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