Just a Single Moment in Time

Preface: The arrival

It was early as fuck. No sleep. Drank a bit. Haven’t eaten. Security line at PHL is out the door.

Why the fuck are there so many people here? Where are they all going? Do they know its 5am? Do they know they’re in my way? Just move. What’s with all these ropes? Is this necessary, herded cattle is what we are.

Later in the week I will be introduced to the term “Crowd Salmon”. I don’t know this term yet. I don’t even know I’m salmon yet.

Make deer antlers with my hands. Pat down, frisk, half a happy ending and a barefoot walk of shame later and I am through. The rest of the Philly contingent is late. Well the ones I can spot. There are three coming that are familiar enough to be spottable. They took a cab. Who would really drive a friend to the airport this early. I would call one of them. They would call me. They’re running late. One of them is actually from Boston. You can hear it when she gets happy or mad.  She is still one of us. Later that trip all of us would be a little Boston.

We didn’t know that yet.

A lot of things would change. It’s just how it happens sometimes. Life will change you.

I digress.

Find the gate. Well hello Aziz Ansari you are on my flight. I will begin the years of embellishment now. We shook hands and he told me he admired one the few times I’ve ever done comedy that he somehow heard about and would like me to write jokes for him. This will be further embellished for the rest of my life.

As for what really happened, I creepily followed him and tried to get a shady picture to send to my not yet arrived cohorts. It’s my story though, so we are bff and he thinks I’m really funny and tall.

Boarding time. 6:30am EST. Seats are comfy and large. Outlets, oh glorious outlets. Richard Branson this is why you will take us to Mars. Cabin doors close and no friends. The flight attendant asks us to power down our devices, which for reference has zero affect on the instrument panels as long as no one has a mobile device more than 20 years old. Did you know most cockpits boast several always connected iPads that are not powered down during takeoff or landing? Continue reading

Coachella (an excerpt from a soon to be finished work)

The Coachella Experience.

A big part of me is saying to stop writing now.It is the part of me that once heard the best stories are left unwritten.

They may be whispered, or expelled loudly with alcohol, embellishment, and exuberance. They can be heard through a grapevine, fabled, rumored, or become the stuff of legend. What they are not, is written. Once you write it down it is what it is.

That. There. Then. Over. Fin.

I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to lay my first festival to rest. Its eulogy should not be written. Yet here I am, writing, defining, ending the story that was Coachella 2013. So because of that I will try and do it justice. I will write this in a single go. Straight through, without edits. Excuse the grammar and unpolished look, but this is how you write a story that shouldn’t be written. You write it the way you would tell it, the way you would tell friends over beers in your local bar. This is the least I can do to honor the memory I am about to defile with finite ink to paper.

Let’s have at it, shall we.

It truly begins:

It was fucking amazing. (I warned you I was telling you this in a bar). I won’t waste your time with history of the festival or past notable acts, you have Wikipedia for that. I won’t even waste your time with specific reviews of lineups and notable performances or the lack luster ones. I will not pretend to know all the bands there, half the bands, hell even half the songs of half the bands I heard of. I did not camp there, or show up for the first show and stay till the last. I sampled little of the food; bought no t-shirt to wear as a badge of honor. No ride on the Ferris wheel, nor did I Save Ferris.

I went in with little expectations of it all. So little I thought of selling my ticket and flaking on the days leading up to the event.  I have been to concerts, and shows, and even a festival though only one day of a three day event. They were good. They had their moments. Overall it felt like a lot of warm overpriced beer and a bunch of people way to into the  B sides of bands that once were obscure. There always seemed an impending threat of violence.  Standing and swaying for hours always seemed more tedious than to sit in my home and listen to a downloaded mastered copy of the same band’s music while doing something productive like eating a cheese sandwich.

As I said, all of this gave me little expectation. I thought I would simply be bored and come home. 10 days less life on this earth, less productive than ever to, an unpainted new apartment with maybe a mild tan and nothing else on earth different.

I was wrong. Human Centipede Porn Genre wrong. Continue reading

A Moment of Awareness before the National Moment of Silence.

A Moment of Awareness before the National Moment of Silence.

What happened in Connecticut was a tragedy, which can never be undone, regardless of what we do today or any day going forward. Nothing will bring back those children. Life is not fair. So what does a nation do in wake of such devastation? We react to something that can’t truly be reacted to. We the people do not like to feel powerless. The word liberty splashed throughout every historical document this country was built on proves that. How many of you know the actual definition of that word? It’s less of you than you would think. It can be loosely defined as free will. Free will. That is the thing we all forget. The shooter, whose name I will not mention because mainstream media helps create these monsters by engraving their name in the sidewalk of history, had free will. He made terrible choices and did what he chose to do. Could this have been prevented? Not realistically. It’s just not that simple. Crazy is a perfect storm of bad decisions and opportunity. We live in a society with far too much of both. Now before I go on, I should say that I am neither pro nor opposed to guns, I am simply stating what I feel is an educated opinion on the matter.

That being said, guns should be banned. Continue reading

Episode 2.5: Hof & Schmidt Read The News


What does a show with no planning look like? This! And well, many other episodes we have done, but with this one we actually had no planning at all. Except for drinking. I guess that counts as some sort of prep work…

Episode 2.4: Eye of the Tyson


This week we had the pleasure of sitting down with Australian amateur boxer, Tyson “Tigga” Maher. He recently spent a month training at Colosseum Gym in Clifton Heights, PA. With a 5-0 records, Tyson came to the states to train and train alone.

Check out this episode to hear the story of his first month in the United States, how he compares his homeland to ours, and even see him DROP HOF!

BREAKING: Politician Proves His Intelligence, America Reacts

Todd AkinAs children, we learn that politicians are smart, good looking, virtuous, and revered. Then we grow up. The dreamlike images of America’s elite begins to fade; we begin to see cracks in the veneers. Agendas become seemingly apparent, scandal becomes prominent, and we become people with a real view on the adult world of politics. And of course, the smart ones out there learn that the politicians are primarily idiots.

Today is Wednesday, August 22, 2012. Three days ago, Representative Todd Akin of Missouri, currently running for that states senate seat on the Republican ticket, used two words together that are best left unpaired when pursuing public office.

“Legitimate Rape” Continue reading